Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Maryland (301)

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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.

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  (301): Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel. http://tfl.nu/b636
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  i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party

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  (301): i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party http://tfl.nu/u2ba
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  Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk

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  (301): Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk http://tfl.nu/lzse
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  I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?

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  Nowhere

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  (410): I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life? (301): Nowhere http://tfl.nu/ayl7
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  Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.

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  I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.

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  (301): Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me. (1-301): I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom. http://tfl.nu/1oh9
  Replies (39) Good night (3091) Bad night (574)
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  so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.

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  (301): so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first. http://tfl.nu/lqfv
  Replies (5) Good night (3067) Bad night (534)
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  Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.

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  (301): Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet. http://tfl.nu/iw4x
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  Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?

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  You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.

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  (301): Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room? (760): You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet. http://tfl.nu/jiuf
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  remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school

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  (301): remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school http://tfl.nu/dith
  Replies (36) Good night (3232) Bad night (501)
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  We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud

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  (301): We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud http://tfl.nu/i29s
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  Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'

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  Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..

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  (410): Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles' (301): Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar.. http://tfl.nu/a4j3
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  Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.

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  (301): Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy. http://tfl.nu/n68s
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  she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying

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  but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she

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  (301): she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying (203): but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she http://tfl.nu/l9o1
  Replies (34) Good night (4421) Bad night (806)
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  I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.

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  (301): I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you. http://tfl.nu/0isu
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.

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  (301): you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop. http://tfl.nu/0o9n
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